Tag: support

Life

Taking Control of my Health: First Wellness Entry

Sirua

A while ago I started a series where I thought I would lose weight and begin being healthy again. I was pregnant soon after and that was forgotten after the many days of morning sickness along with being exhausted. Now at postpartum, breastfeeding and avoiding caffeine for the sake of it all, I felt the need to take control of myself again. To take the chance to change my eating habits little by little.

I have admit, this has been a mixture of good and not so good. I am still getting into groove with being a mother to a newborn again. My older ASD son has therapies 20 plus hours a week, sleep deprived, Pumping, part-time job, full time online student and still wanting to connect again socially. It’s overwhelming at times since time management can go out the window when my days aren’t planned. Kids are wild cards and life can throw things at you at full speed. Most days I have a grasp but others I lose track of when I ate and what will I eat.

Not knowing what to eat and making meals consumed my time. All I was consuming were essentially my lactation brownies, water, milk, and dinner if the kid allowed. Most days we ordered dinner and I did my best for it to be something not too unhealthy. It’s difficult feeding yourself when you have two other kids who need your undivided attention.

I desperately searched for anything that I could possibly drink or have. My protein shakes that I love contained more caffeine than needed and while breastfeeding that can be an issue. My best bet was Amazon Fresh and I luckily came across these personal salad bowls that came with different ingredients and dressing so you can enjoy different flavor profiles without worry what to eat or preparing ingredients since its all there for you to mix. I also order some small servings of fruits to serve and snack throughout the day if needed. Planters Nut-rition pack snacks, cheese sticks, Sargento Balanced breaks with cheddar cheese, and tried to have dinners where protein was the main focus. Eventually I came across a meal plan service called Splendid Spoon and ordered that to try out. They have different plans and I opted for 5 smoothies and 5 plant based meals to start off.

First of all, I am one of those people that when it comes to smoothies I can be a bit put off by ingredients and taste. Of course, the smoothies blends are great for anyone used to drinking healthy already. I t was intimidating for me personally but I managed to drink all five this past week without thinking about it much. As for the plant based food I definitely have enjoyed eating them. My favorites so far are Vegetable Bolognese and Beans with Greens. The Cuban Bowl I enjoyed as well but it didn’t have the flavor profile I was expecting but I would order it again perhaps. I am still getting through the meals and will update which others I enjoy.

It’s been about two weeks since I started to eat healthier and I have to say that it is important what we put into our bodies to fuel it. I have a bit more energy than before and I do take into account that I’m breastfeeding so I do up my calories a bit to fit my goals and make sure I eat and snack a bit throughout the day. My portions are reduced and taking into account my weight before being pregnant with my second. I’ve lost about 20 lbs so far. I hit a plateau where now I go up and down 1 pound but I am happy to be fitting better in my favorite shorts again. I will update more as I go and hopefully I keep myself motivated this time. Once I’m healed and ready to go I might add some work outs. Squats at home? Walking with a stroller? Both? We shall see!

Life, motherhood

Exclusively Pumping: Breastfeeding Journey Glimpse

Sirua

To be honest, things have been hectic. Between little sleep and slowly trying to get back on schedule and keeping a routine with a toddler while feeding a newborn on demand. It’s…well demanding. Along with a part time job at home, school online, my son’s therapy (that’s another blog for another day) I think some days I reach peak of mental exhaustion. I’v been lucky to have my husband for five weeks to help me through this time cause it is not easy getting back to whatever we consider reality at this point.

All things considered I am okay. This time around I know more than I did the first time around with my son. I was new to breastfeeding and pumping. I was new to the experience of motherhood and everything it physically entailed. This time around I am a little less nervous and knew what I wanted which was to pump as much as I could for this baby.

The first time around I remember doing so much research and stressing about my output. I was only making about 20 ounces per day after two to three weeks and it wasn’t enough. I was able to supplement at night with formula but my goal was to strictly breastfeed. Eventually, by an increase of water intake, adding more pumps in my day, lactation supplements and lactation treats was I able to start reaching 30-35 oz a day. I was able to purchase a stand up freezer and store a lot of breast milk for when anytime my supply started to drop towards the end of my journey or started using breast milk in the solids I would give my son. I was proud of the hard work I put into it and couldn’t be happier that I had reached my goal of a year breast feeding. I was relieved once it ended. My mind at peace.

Now here I am once again. I struggle with the thought of doing this all over again for another now…49 weeks or longer depending. This time around I have a oversupply when I prepped for under supply in the beginning. I am proud and yet stressed to say I am at 50-60 oz per day! This time around I did maintain a good water intake, coconut eater from a company I found, lactation brownies, prenatals and pumping at least 6 times a day (its advised to do more like 8-12 so please don’t try this if you’re experiencing an under supply). This all isn’t easy since breast feeding and exclusively pumping has its pros and cons. Every situation is unique and I have my own personal struggles to overcome when it comes to pumping from the wash and sterilizing of bottles and pump part to planning each pump to make sure the kids are comfortable and in a safe place while I sit for 20-30 minutes.

To put this into perspective that’s 20-30 minutes for every pump and at the recommended 8-12 times a day for the first 6 weeks to establish supply. Pumping can actually be a full time job cause this doesn’t include the constant washing of parts and bottles. While taking care of a new baby and everything else of course. This is a glimpse of the struggle but I am proud of myself and those who keep their littles fed. Fed is best and even those who give their little ones formula its still its own struggle to afford formula in the first place. Whether you’re new to this journey or returning. Welcome (Welcome back) you’re not alone!

Life, motherhood

Coming to Terms

Sirua

As a first time parent, life can be full of surprises. It’s a journey of both love and hardships that I am learning alongside with husband. From the moment I was pregnant I would fee this deep connection with each child. Even after the first two losses I found myself still being able to bond although cautiously with my son’s pregnancy. After he was born, our journey as parents began and its been over two years since then.

My son is my firsthand experience with a newborn and child. I was never the type to gravitate towards children. It wasn’t who I was and I kept it that way until I was ready to have kids of my own. The pieces of motherhood fell into place and it was a beautiful struggle to say the least. Exclusively pumping and sleepless nights from worry, anxiety, first time jitters, appointments, and overall motherhood. You get this idea stuck in your head that you need to be perfect always. That you’re this super being that cannot mistakes no matter what. How can you? This little human that relies on you for everything and anything. This needs to be perfect, I needed to be perfect. But, then it hit me one day. It was perhaps the first night he slept through the night that I realized. I didn’t need to be perfect but present. Present for his needs and his growth in this world. There would be mistakes on the way but I had to learn from those mistakes instead of torturing myself. Yes, mom guilt is real. It’s completely normal and happens to even the best of us.

As a mother or even a parent it’s difficult to come to terms with many things. It’s easy to call yourself crazy when you suspect anything. That’s why when we noticed our son wasn’t meeting his milestones in his speech or social skills. My non verbal son who tend to shy away from other kids and wouldn’t give us eye contact to even smile at times. Didn’t listen to his name when called. How could I miss that? I began to wonder. Was this cause of me? Was there any earlier signs I had missed? Am I crazy to suspect there could be a diagnosis in the near future. Soon when he turned 2 years old, he was evaluated and diagnosed with mild-moderate autism.

When receiving the news. There was a stillness. I knew this was coming but to hear it be confirmed gave me both a sense of relief and yet a feeling of loss. Relief that I was not crazy to see these signs and make the call. A feeling of loss since I knew this meant a unique journey, different sets of worries, and learning to provide a better quality of life for my son. Was I doing the right thing? How would the world see him as he grows? Will we ever be able to communicate with him? Will he have friends? Can we provide the emotional support he needs?

These are all the questions and more that still haunt me currently. I try to take it a day at a time. Between all his therapies and steps we have taken. I’m slowly becoming more confident and seeing any progress has been enlightening for us. I will admit I still have those occasional nights of tears. I don’t blame myself anymore. I love my sweet boy, I will walk this path with him. I will always cherish his quirks and that smile he has when he makes eye contact with us. It may only last seconds before he gets distracted again but I see him. I am proud of his progress and what’s to come.

Life

Time is Flying

Sirua

Looking back a year ago. I can almost remember what I was doing during this time of the month. I was mostly likely waking up rushing to get ready for work along side my husband. Getting out the house with a child and three cats to feed can be a bit difficult. But I always appreciated the team effort with my husband.

Once the cold air hit my face we were off with the stroller. I enjoyed the silence together in the morning. Husband and I wouldn’t talk until we dropped our son off to my mother and be on our way to work. We always have random chatters and he sees me off on my train stop. Only to text me he misses me right after. The day would commence and I thought things would continue in this routine. A routine I had contently settled into for the past three months before pandemic hit…

There’s been so much in between since then. Things that I both miss and yet there things I’m currently grateful for that occurred during pandemic. One of these days I’ll talk about it and open up about the details in between. The struggles, the losses and small accomplishments. I hope to come back and share myself again and what I’ve learned in this new chapter in our lives that is yet to end.

Life

New Normal: Staying Home

Sirua

Adjusting has been difficult to say the least. There are days things aren’t difficult. You take things as they come. Unexpected turns are made and there’s so many thoughts in place. You’re just shocked you sleep through the night.

My life has been hectic. You’d think being at home meant being less busy. Not the case at all. Between decluttering the whole house and not working from home anymore with a now 2 year old. It’s impossible not to be busy! I’m also still cooking from home at least 2 times a week. I order out if possible. (Grubhub is tempting to say the least. We are so guilty of not passing up a good deal). I only go out maybe twice a month only for groceries or to step outside front for my plants and watch my husband run around with our son. Life’s been calmer and mentally hectic more than anything.

My cyber social life has skyrocketed. I’m back to playing video games mostly ps4 and animal crossing on the switch. Binge watching anime again with my husband. Things that got me through so much in life already. It’s starting to feel like there’s not enough time in a day for everything to be done. But, I value our health and how we’ve dealt through this quarantine. My husband comes home with stories of how the outside has been doing. I can’t help but weirdly realize how much things around us have changed. Few months ago we were planning with friends and family to gather for a picnics and going to Central Park. Now it’s animal crossing and group chats with memes and venting sessions. Daily face times to check in with each other.

Living in NYC with the virus it’s hard to see an end to this. Though there are many pros and cons. It feels unreal. To not be able to leave when you want. Questioning yourself as you get ready to run an errand if it’s absolutely necessary. Anyone else forget their mask while walking outside and turning around to run back to get it? (ME!) The amount of tension outside is thicker than the air itself. You feel it come off people in waves. The split second horror on people’s faces when someone clears their throat.

It’s hard to say “I’m okay” when things aren’t like they used to be. Change sometimes can come in increments. But this was thrown at everyone and it’s difficult to even handle it with grace. I hope we can all get through this.

I’ll try to post more as time goes. Probably lighter things and small successes I’ve had personally. But I just had to get this out of the way. Stay safe everyone. Much love always. I’m still active in my succulent insta @everlasting_echeverias

Life, motherhood

A Moment

Sirua

I needed a moment to myself. Balancing work, social, love and being a mother in life. It became a cycle that I eventually forgot to blog, write in my journal and dare I say? I stopped playing video games all together. I miss it some days. Other days I rather snuggle up to my son and husband to watch the Grinch (for the 3rd time that day)

Sometimes our conversation mingle between how we’ve been feeling with things in life lately. I’ll be honest it’s been overwhelming. I’ve always been such an over-thinker when it comes to anything. I can lay still at night while my mind rummages through the day about things.

Did I play with our son enough? Did he eat enough? Did I have enough patience today? Are the cats happy? The coffee I didn’t get to prepare for my husband…will he resent me? Did I finish that task at work or this task? That bag of laundry should be done by this week or should I go do groceries? Maybe if I had more energy or planned it out better.

There’s always doubt. There’s always something I could of done better. I recently been attempting to prepare for the future. Forgive the past and accept the present. It’s not easy. It’s a struggle every single day for someone who tends to plan and stress when plans aren’t executed on time. But I’m trying and I think that’s good enough for me.

Featured image is a succulent from my collection called Echeveria Sang A.

Life, Succulent/Plants

Why Succulents?

Sirua

Sometimes it’s weird how we discover hobbies that we never thought we would be into. At first, I started off with a small terrarium plant. I realized it wasn’t happy at all in it and I researched how to take care of these new succulents of mine. One thing led to another and suddenly I was finding beautiful succulents all over online. Purchased some and I never turned back since then. It was therapeutic to wake up and go through my morning routine. Let my son unwind a bit and check on these beauties from time to time. I eventually started purchasing more and joined some Facebook groups to share the love about succulents. It’s amazing who you meet and talk to. Sharing tips and advice when needed. Sharing photos of the different types there are. I’ve met some amazing people through all this and I couldn’t be happier tending to my plants. I get to admire their beauty. Watch them grow and change in color from time to time. Recently I’ve been into pinks and peach colors lately. Sometimes purples, greens and blues (reminds me of mermaids). It’s nice to be kept busy. It’s weird to think I was/still a gamer. I use to play a lot before my son. I miss it sometimes but it’s nice to find something new and exciting to do. I have low and high days emotionally and get easily overwhelmed by things at times so having a hobby does help deal with a lot of the anxiety, stress and depression I tend to deal with. Although it’s not a cure. It’s something to help through those tough days. The days where I feel like I’m not enough as a mother or wife. Those days where I feel like my grief is lingering longer than usual. So why succulents? Well, cause they make me happy and appreciate the beauty of nature. Sharing that love with other people. You start to find yourself again. A little help sometimes goes a long way.

Thanks for reading if you reached this far. It’s hard to put into words how one hobby and a bunch of plants can help. It’s the strangest thing. Anyone else have a hobby they love? Comment below and share your passion.

Grief, Life, motherhood

My Story, My Babies.

Sirua

*Trigger Warning*

This isn’t for the faint of heart. I talk about pregnancy loss and I talk about medical termination of one of my pregnancies (abortion because of medical reasons). I also talk about depression and dark thoughts similar to suicide. That might be triggering to some.

If you decide to read do so at your own risk and if you have anything to share feel free. However, I will ban comments that are deemed inappropriate. Thank you for understanding.

Alright, it’s been real everyone. This might be longer than I want it to be. I don’t mind sharing my experiences. It’s tough to even put it in words sometimes. So I’ll do my best and share what I can.

In honor of pregnancy and miscarriage awareness month (October 15th is the Remembrance Day) I decided to share my story. I’ve touched on it in the past. But never in depth talked about my emotions. My thoughts. The grieving process I suppose. I find that talking about it and sharing my story can help others going through the same thing or open a perspective for some that may know someone going through it or simply want to know what we go through. There’s no words for people who’ve experienced this. No amount of words can take the pain away. But, if sharing this can open people’s eyes and chip away the stigma around it. I’m more than honored to talk about it.

Over three years ago on May 23rd, 2016 I would wake up like any other day. No symptoms besides one of my cats being all over the days leading up to. I would take another pregnancy test the same way I did all the other days only for it to come up negative. I was sure it would be negative again. It’s been 10 months of trying to conceive how would that day be any different; or so I thought. Through heavy eyelids, I checked my test five minutes later and saw it clear as day. The other line. The line that tells me I was with child. My life was going to change. My husband was going to be a father. My family would welcome this child with love. Oh how this child would be loved.

As the days passed I dealt with stretching pains, an excited family wondering what we would be having. A girl or a boy. Everyone swore up and down it would be a boy. While my husband and I were sure I was having a girl. I have a journal where I kept my thoughts and growing maternal instinct almost every week. The joy we felt when found out we were going to have a baby girl. I still swell with bittersweet emotions from the thought. How tightly my husband held my hand. The way I laughed when they told us it was a girl. Surprising my parents with a chocolate cake that had a pink flower. It’s all there. I cherish those memories. My last memories with her. The last ones I had where I was a first time mother unaware and oblivious to the devastation to come. How I wish I could hug her. Prepare her for what’s to come.

I won’t go into too much detail of that day. I’ll share my thoughts through the whole thing and what actually happened.

August 24th was probably like any other day I suppose. I always bled a bit during my pregnancy with Rosebud. Always had urine infections. That was all normal for 18 weeks. The cramps were surprisingly more painful. As the day carried on my cramps would get worse. Eventually, leading me to call my dad to drop me off to the Emergency Room just in case. I was always told to go to the ER if I experienced bleeding that was out of the ordinary. After a few hours I was out. They checked my Baby girl. She looked great and figured she was sleeping since they prodded her and she moved around. Heartbeat strong as can be. My cervix closed and no signs of anything wrong. My husband had texted me saying maybe I was having first pregnancy jitters. That I was perfect and she was perfectly fine. The cramps never subsided as I went home with my sister in law. We talked about how weird it was that I was still having pain. I was tired. All I wanted was to get to bed and wake up feeling better. Upon arriving home I felt like I was (literally) peeing myself. I chalked it up to the urine infection while baby is on my bladder as I ran to the bathroom to clean up.

“More blood? More water? Why doesn’t my pee stop? It’s as if I have no control over myself anymore. This pain. What are these pains on my right side? My appendix? Great. I’m pregnant and about to perhaps die because my appendix is about to burst.“

Eventually the pain was coming in and out every few minutes and since I couldn’t reach my parents (it was about past 2am at this point) I called 911. I cried because of the pain and fear. At no point did the thought crossed my mind that I was in labor. I actually thought I was dying of something else. This is where things get fuzzy for me the ambulance ride, arriving, getting my vitals checked, my sister in law asking me if I was okay. I was in a lot of pain and all I wanted was for this pain to stop. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted everything to be okay. I remember my sister in law telling me that the sheets I had hugged between my legs were slowly getting soaked in blood. Before it truly could hit me. It happened. I felt a part of me die. I felt my heart slowly crumble. A little light in my soul go out. I barely remember what I said only the tears and no matter how much I cried out. It wasn’t going to make time stand still. I wasn’t going to get my daughter back. Making the dreadful call to my parents. Telling them I had lost my baby. Their first grandchild. My husband would get a text at work saying his daughter was gone and that his wife was probably bleeding. How time passed so slowly at first in that room where they told me not only that I lost my daughter but my placenta wasn’t coming out. I was losing blood. To endure even more pain to save me. The dark thoughts that went through me at first.

“Do I really want to be saved? Was it worth saving someone who was now an empty shell?”

Yes. I was. But I didn’t know it at the time.

I watched the pale look on my husband’s face as he walked into the room. The guilt and despair on his face was haunting. No tears. Only emotions. I was okay, right? I would be. Just not today or the days to come.

Her ashes are with us. A UTI gone bad to the point it weakened her placenta and everything around her. Nothing could of been done. No amount of antibiotics. Nothing. The grief was still in our hearts when I found out I was pregnant again only months later. We were excited yet cautious. Only to find out that our baby was not well. His brain hadn’t developed and his heart was going to give out any day. He never moved or showed any other signs of life besides his slow heartbeat. Unfortunately, I decided to terminate at around 15 weeks with him. Enough to find out what we were having and figure out what was wrong. The devastation I felt was doubled upon. I cried the whole way home not caring who was around me. I had experience the loss of not one but two babies. I felt as though the world hated me. That I wasn’t meant to be a mother. I was overwhelmed with emotions even up to the day of termination. May 30th 2017 I would lose Ulrich; Our first son.

No one prepares for this. Pregnancy is a time of joy and preparing yourself to be a parent whether it be the first time, second or more after. Also, it not only impacts the immediate person but even those around you sometimes. I was in a dark place where I didn’t know how I could go on without my babies. I did therapy, played video games, took walks with my husband. I started to realize that I had to take things a day at a time. My day would come where I would be a mother hopefully one way or another. Thankfully, I was able to. Yet there are days I think about my babies and the tears come running. Nothing can prepare you for grief. We just live with it everyday.

Thank you for reading this far. If you or anyone you know has experienced pregnancy loss or stillbirth, I am so sorry. My condolences are with you and that person. I hope you know that you’re not alone. Much love everyone.

Life, Shedding my Weight, weight loss

Weight loss and Hormones

Sirua

Getting on that scale every Friday is intimidating. I look forward to it to see what’s working and what’s not. I don’t because I’m afraid to fail. As a woman of course every month I go through a week of having my menstrual (yes, my period) and the cravings used to be for Oreos. Not that I would deny having an Oreo milkshake even now. However, it’s usually much less likely for me to deny any while dealing cramps.

Luckily, I’ve been able to curb the cravings so far. I don’t deny myself the sweets. I only taste and move on for the most part. Besides, the protein shakes and afternoon walks really do curb the cravings as much as it can. I’m proud to say that although before my vacation I lost 3 pounds and gained 4. I was able to lost 7 lbs since coming back September 12. It’s been a month and 7 lbs is progress. Although I’m sure I can lose more. I’ll continue to do so. I’ll take as much as I can get at this point. Even if it’s 1lb a week. I’ll share more as I go. For now it’s only protein in the morning. Less carbs. More water. Combined with intermittent fasting. Hopefully I’ll continue losing every week!

Life, Shedding my Weight, weight loss

The Little Things in Weight Loss

Sirua

It’s easy to want to see fast results when you’re on a journey to weight loss. That’s why small goals matter. Ones that are easy to reach. Celebrate them accordingly and it’ll help your mindset, motivation and confidence.

Last month I purchased distressed Bermuda shorts in the size I usually buy and felt as if they were tighter than usual. I felt defeated and upset since they were so cute. I put them with the pile of “Jeans that might fit later” which is right next to “Pants that will probably never fit me again”. Sad, but true. I decided to try them on today with not much hope since I didn’t feel all that different. It’s been almost 2 weeks since I became serious about my journey and BOOM! They fit like a glove. I even did the squat test and they didn’t feel like they were going to rip and the button didn’t dig into my abdomen. As I silently sit here and do my quiet hurrays. I can’t help but feel even more motivated. This means I need to be more diligent. Find beauty in these tiny victories. Where will I be a month from now? 3 months? 6 months? A year? Let’s hope I’ll be fitting into one of the piles of jeans I have for later.