Journey to Self Love
Wanted to take the time out to thank everyone who support my blog and read my content. It’s not much but I do my best to keep a rhythm and a constant on here. I’m happy to be able to write and put my energy out there for everyone to read and enjoy. So thank you for over 100 followers and the 500 likes! Here’s to the future and what’s to come.
Feel free to reach out whether it be for a “vibe check” reading or to connect with me in my social links below. Blessed be and stay sweet everyone!
I wanted to start weekly tarot drawings for myself for the start of the week and the outlook of that week. Eventually, I would like this to be done for others and keep them anonymous in order to send them good vibes and guidance.
Hopefully I can keep this up on Mondays. Life recently has been a mess and I’m learning to take it a day at a time.
For this weeks draw I got: The Fool.
This is an interesting card that doesn’t seem to let go of me. I shuffle the cards in such a way that I would expect to receive a somewhat different card. But, being a spiritual person and since I’m the one choosing from the deck. It tends to lead me to this card.
The Fool is Honest, Genuine and Curious. Representing the beginning of a journey I am on. A long road with ups and downs to come. This is usually a positive and motivational card. One that tells me that I should jump into the new opportunities without fear nor doubt. I have nothing to lose in this journey within myself.
What a way to start the week and a new blog talking about it. This card has followed me throughout many personal readings. Sounds like I’m on an never ending journey and on adventures that come with many challenges. Looking back on this past year and what’s to come. I can agree and I’m both excited and nervous to endure it.
Here’s to a Happy Monday and for what lies ahead this week. I will do my best to keep this as a series in my blog. I am new to this and an amateur. But I hope to mature this side of me with time. Anyone else into tarot readings or have done a reading? Do tell about it as I love hearing others experience with it. Stay sweet everyone!
I have this habit of throwing myself into things without thinking at times. All at once til my head is spinning and slowly my energy is sapped. Some days I’m exhausted. The world stops and I find myself wanting to be still. How does one stop when you’re constantly used to being on the go? When your brain is like a whispering white noise machine except you are constantly overwhelmed rather than being lulled to sleep?
I’m learning to say no and push toward one at a time. It’s a struggle everyday when so much needs to be caught up on. But everyday if one things gets done. Then more get done til eventually there’s almost nothing left. I hope one day to each this. Where my mind is not a constant stream of thoughts and I’m able to relax, breathe and appreciate more. I’m content and spread too thin. But, grateful to what the future will bring.
I want to start weekly tarot draws for myself where it essentially foreshadows my weeks ahead or talk about the reading I do for myself.
Eventually I want this to extend to my readers if anyone is interested. I’ll have my social links below for more info. Feel free to message. Enjoy!
It’s hard trying to be better for yourself. To create these habits to build yourself up. Tell that voice in your heard to stop being so negative and breathe a moment. I’m still on a journey. A journey where I find myself wondering where life will go and trying to experience things as they come to me.
These frequent breaks are necessary but doesn’t mean I come back bigger or better. I try to be stronger and sometimes it’s difficult doing it. But I strive for a better tomorrow. Cherish the day and keep pushing more than yesterday. I hope I want to be kinder to myself moving forward.
If you’re reading this take it as a sign. Be kinder to yourself too. I’ll update more soon sweeties. Much love.
There’s not much a story behind on the name other than what it means to me. A lot of my tags and social media are Siruax15 and I’ve gotten used to the name when being to referred to as so online. I almost find it to be an entity when I play online games or introduce myself online as more time passes. I’ve started to accept that the name I came up with has really become a part of me. I might need to drop the X one day since people confuse it for the name. I did it to separate the 15 from the name. Guess you can say I’ve marketed the name for myself due to its anonymity it gives me and what it means to me entirely.
Now the meaning:
S is first letter of my name and thus every letter is the name of my family’s name. S is mine, I for husband, R and U for my late daughter and son, A for my son. Second son’s name is an S so its included and perfect to me. Although the name is used as a reference towards me. It’s also a reminder that behind this facade is not only me. It’s all the titles that comes with being Sirua. Mother, Wife, Gamer and much more. Anyone out there have a name they made or been stuck with for some reason?
Yay on 50 blog posts on here!
Short blog today. Lack of sleep gets me most days besides being busy. I will update and pin my social media links if anyone wants to contact me. Stay sweet everyone!
I achieved my first goal weight this week. I honestly can say that I haven’t seen this number on the scale since before 2016. I am feeling proud and more determined now. I cant say its been easy as I continue this journey. I am far from my true goal. Lately, it feels like I’m far from so many goals but every moment I am getting closer and that’s been my comfort in all this. That eventually I will reach my true goal and that I can continue to share with everyone my emotions, my struggles, and my progress.
Emotionally, I have been better I would say consideringI am now 11 weeks postpartum. It’s hard to believe how quick and well my recovery was this time around. It’s truly shocking how much mental health contributes to overall wellness. I recently started my period again and I haven’t mentioned this but before my period I tend to have PMS symptoms leading up to the day of. These can vary from minor to moderate. It’s a terrible cycle when I feel emotional over everything and can breakdown all the good I worked for the last few weeks in a moment because of a hormonal cycle and perhaps a bad day. I am hoping with my life style changes these symptoms improve as time goes on. I am tracking my cycles. Although, I do plan on getting an IUD soon. This will be my first time using birth control. I am a bit nervous about this but I need the comfort of knowing I am doing everything I can to prevent another pregnancy til further notice. I will discuss how I feel on it and anything else I can report about it.
My struggles have been high and low. I do have days where I wish I didn’t crave certain things but honestly my true cravings have been Milky Mama Lactation Brownies, Salmon (sushi or baked), and Chofan rice from our favorite restaurant with different meats we order. We try not to order out since that can throw off any progress so I limit the amount I eat and snack on something else later on to prevent me from going on a carb binge. The brownies are to help with my breastfeeding since I need the extra calories to help with production. Truly without the brownies I would be in a deficit in calories and I try to limit everything else throughout the day since sugar and carb content in them is high. These will soon be replaced by a fat burning protein once the baby is older and caffeine isn’t an issue for his belly. As a meal replacement it would be great as something to make and have quickly without feeling guilty especially in the morning where I struggle to fully wake up and eat something.
Progress so far has been going well. I will say that its been somewhere between 1-2 pounds a week for now. I feel this is my comfort level right now since I know my eating habits aren’t entirely perfect in terms of using a macro system and limiting carbs as a keto diet would. The reason being is breastfeeding. The supposed amount a mother burns while breastfeeding is 200-500 a day estimate. This can depend on how much milk is being produced. To counter this I eat healthier snacks like cheese, nuts, and fruits so I can enjoy my lactation brownie and cold cup of 1 percent milk later on. For the most part I tend to choose low carb, high protein meals and do my best to avoid take out if possible. Ive also adjusted my portions and that’s helped significantly. This is all slow progress since all of this began since before May-June 2020. Since the pregnancy threw me into a spin and i did my best to eat healthy through it as well.
I was also wondering whether I should share my progress on Tik Tok since I only just began posting on there for my Twitch stream and cutesy stuff I tend to order once in a while. Once I do I will probably share it more on my social platforms since instagram and twitter are my other platforms to share. If I decide to I will definitely share it on here and everywhere else. I’ll start putting my social links below to follow and chat. Thank you for reading!
If you’re interested in purchasing Milky Mama Lactation Brownies you can use my Referral Link for a 5 dollar off coupon. They also have cookies, supplements and drinks you can try! Always feel free to let me know if you try it and what you think.
Feel free to follow and chat with me using the above social links!
A while ago I started a series where I thought I would lose weight and begin being healthy again. I was pregnant soon after and that was forgotten after the many days of morning sickness along with being exhausted. Now at postpartum, breastfeeding and avoiding caffeine for the sake of it all, I felt the need to take control of myself again. To take the chance to change my eating habits little by little.
I have admit, this has been a mixture of good and not so good. I am still getting into groove with being a mother to a newborn again. My older ASD son has therapies 20 plus hours a week, sleep deprived, Pumping, part-time job, full time online student and still wanting to connect again socially. It’s overwhelming at times since time management can go out the window when my days aren’t planned. Kids are wild cards and life can throw things at you at full speed. Most days I have a grasp but others I lose track of when I ate and what will I eat.
Not knowing what to eat and making meals consumed my time. All I was consuming were essentially my lactation brownies, water, milk, and dinner if the kid allowed. Most days we ordered dinner and I did my best for it to be something not too unhealthy. It’s difficult feeding yourself when you have two other kids who need your undivided attention.
I desperately searched for anything that I could possibly drink or have. My protein shakes that I love contained more caffeine than needed and while breastfeeding that can be an issue. My best bet was Amazon Fresh and I luckily came across these personal salad bowls that came with different ingredients and dressing so you can enjoy different flavor profiles without worry what to eat or preparing ingredients since its all there for you to mix. I also order some small servings of fruits to serve and snack throughout the day if needed. Planters Nut-rition pack snacks, cheese sticks, Sargento Balanced breaks with cheddar cheese, and tried to have dinners where protein was the main focus. Eventually I came across a meal plan service called Splendid Spoon and ordered that to try out. They have different plans and I opted for 5 smoothies and 5 plant based meals to start off.
First of all, I am one of those people that when it comes to smoothies I can be a bit put off by ingredients and taste. Of course, the smoothies blends are great for anyone used to drinking healthy already. I t was intimidating for me personally but I managed to drink all five this past week without thinking about it much. As for the plant based food I definitely have enjoyed eating them. My favorites so far are Vegetable Bolognese and Beans with Greens. The Cuban Bowl I enjoyed as well but it didn’t have the flavor profile I was expecting but I would order it again perhaps. I am still getting through the meals and will update which others I enjoy.
It’s been about two weeks since I started to eat healthier and I have to say that it is important what we put into our bodies to fuel it. I have a bit more energy than before and I do take into account that I’m breastfeeding so I do up my calories a bit to fit my goals and make sure I eat and snack a bit throughout the day. My portions are reduced and taking into account my weight before being pregnant with my second. I’ve lost about 20 lbs so far. I hit a plateau where now I go up and down 1 pound but I am happy to be fitting better in my favorite shorts again. I will update more as I go and hopefully I keep myself motivated this time. Once I’m healed and ready to go I might add some work outs. Squats at home? Walking with a stroller? Both? We shall see!
What’s D-MER you ask? Not a lot of people know of it or talk about it. To be honest I hadn’t heard of it either until I had my 2018 baby. For those that don’t know D-MER is Dysphoria Milk Ejection Reflex (let down).
What it does is once breast milk starts to “let down” these feelings begin to stir that are negative. There’s so many ways I could describe it but on most days I feel as though theirs this emptiness in my stomach and a knot in my throat. I dread this feeling every time I pump since so many thoughts arise from it. Back in 2018, I thought I was going through Postpartum depression but odd enough I would only feel this when pumping. Outside of pumping I was mostly okay and felt tired. I was relieved to not be pumping until I had to pump again a few hours later. The cycle was endless and the anxiety would built up the first few minutes of pumping and slowly dissolved towards the end. The relief after was like a breath of fresh air.
I will admit, I have experienced panic attacks in my life and I can say that D-MER can feel similar to the build up of a panic attack. It messes with your mental health. It can make you feel alone and hopeless in that moment. Especially such a vulnerable moment such as breastfeeding or pumping. I was a healing mother with emotional and physical wounds, a newborn baby that needed me and navigating unknown territory. I felt as though I was trapped in my own emotions and no way of getting out. I felt as if I would snap from the pressure of perfect expectations I formed for myself as a mother and wife. There were times I wanted to scream and cry for everything and everyone to leave me alone. To the point I would silence my phone and found myself breathing through it without being aware of what I was going through. One day, I had enough and began to research. I came across this article about D-MER- It all began to make sense. I cried and never felt so relieved that there was a name for what was happening to me.
I hope that if anyone runs across this blog wondering about D-MER or if you’re learning about this for the first time out of curiosity. Well, welcome to my world. If you’re experiencing D-MER as a mother breastfeeding just know you’re not alone and there is hope yet. The symptoms lessen as time carries on, however, if you’re experiencing thoughts of self-harm and feel that your mental health is suffering. Please do what is best for you and your baby. Fed is always best and a happy momma is a happy baby.
To be honest, things have been hectic. Between little sleep and slowly trying to get back on schedule and keeping a routine with a toddler while feeding a newborn on demand. It’s…well demanding. Along with a part time job at home, school online, my son’s therapy (that’s another blog for another day) I think some days I reach peak of mental exhaustion. I’v been lucky to have my husband for five weeks to help me through this time cause it is not easy getting back to whatever we consider reality at this point.
All things considered I am okay. This time around I know more than I did the first time around with my son. I was new to breastfeeding and pumping. I was new to the experience of motherhood and everything it physically entailed. This time around I am a little less nervous and knew what I wanted which was to pump as much as I could for this baby.
The first time around I remember doing so much research and stressing about my output. I was only making about 20 ounces per day after two to three weeks and it wasn’t enough. I was able to supplement at night with formula but my goal was to strictly breastfeed. Eventually, by an increase of water intake, adding more pumps in my day, lactation supplements and lactation treats was I able to start reaching 30-35 oz a day. I was able to purchase a stand up freezer and store a lot of breast milk for when anytime my supply started to drop towards the end of my journey or started using breast milk in the solids I would give my son. I was proud of the hard work I put into it and couldn’t be happier that I had reached my goal of a year breast feeding. I was relieved once it ended. My mind at peace.
Now here I am once again. I struggle with the thought of doing this all over again for another now…49 weeks or longer depending. This time around I have a oversupply when I prepped for under supply in the beginning. I am proud and yet stressed to say I am at 50-60 oz per day! This time around I did maintain a good water intake, coconut eater from a company I found, lactation brownies, prenatals and pumping at least 6 times a day (its advised to do more like 8-12 so please don’t try this if you’re experiencing an under supply). This all isn’t easy since breast feeding and exclusively pumping has its pros and cons. Every situation is unique and I have my own personal struggles to overcome when it comes to pumping from the wash and sterilizing of bottles and pump part to planning each pump to make sure the kids are comfortable and in a safe place while I sit for 20-30 minutes.
To put this into perspective that’s 20-30 minutes for every pump and at the recommended 8-12 times a day for the first 6 weeks to establish supply. Pumping can actually be a full time job cause this doesn’t include the constant washing of parts and bottles. While taking care of a new baby and everything else of course. This is a glimpse of the struggle but I am proud of myself and those who keep their littles fed. Fed is best and even those who give their little ones formula its still its own struggle to afford formula in the first place. Whether you’re new to this journey or returning. Welcome (Welcome back) you’re not alone!
It’s difficult when you’ve experienced loss of pregnancy. Every pregnancy after you’re stuck in a limbo of what ifs and worry for any news that’ll shake your wold. Every appointment you wonder if the doctors will tell you something a parent never wants to hear. It takes away some but not all of those little joys of being pregnant. The excitement of an ultrasound replaced by anxiety right before. It feels like you’re holding your breath and waiting until they’re in your arms. Even after a successful pregnancy. I still had those nerves being pregnant a fourth time.
Time went by quicker this time. I almost didn’t want the day to come from how unready I felt. Then I remembered that nothing prepares you 100 percent for motherhood. Whether it be the first time you’re becoming a mother or anytime after that. A toddler and a newborn? It was going to be surreal.
Now, that we have our second earth-side son here. I forget how small newborns are. How cuddly they can be all curled up in your chest and you don’t want to move cause you want the moment to last forever. To be their safe place a little while longer before they cry for a feeding or a change. I wasn’t sure how I would feel after having our first earth-side son for over 2 years. I was worried that I would feel too overwhelmed and have mixed emotions. It’s amazing what emotions will do. I honestly felt myself grow. Your heart and soul expands. It’s as if the world around you becomes bigger with love to welcome another child into your life. The pieces fall into place and soon it’s almost as if they were meant to be.
As of now I’m 2 weeks postpartum and to be honest this time around feels a bit easier with the jitters. I know as the weeks go by there will be easy days as there will be difficult days. Especially, once my husband returns to work from family leave. For now I want to soak up these moments while I heal. I’ll share my labor story and raw postpartum with time. I still have days where it feels surreal that I have two kids with me now. Somehow it feels so right and almost impossible based on what we went through. But, I think it was meant to be.
Sirua's Serenity 