Tag: mom

Life, motherhood

Random Thoughts: Making Time

Sirua

As someone who’s constantly on the go. And I mean this in every sense. Whether it be physically or mentally. It’s hard to make time for yourself and perhaps others. This is your reminder to do so. Self love. Self care. And find balance in your life. Take a few minutes to breathe. Call someone who makes you happy or take a walk. Whatever it takes to bring you back from turmoil. Cry it out if you need to. Life can be hard. It’s okay to not be okay.

I have a lot of moments like this as a mother. Motherhood is a still something I struggle with emotionally every day. I love my babies. They’re my world. It’s easy to forget about myself in the heat of things. When they’re crying and need things. Once they’re in bed after a long and difficult day. The mom guilt comes in and there I am wishing I could of done better and wondering what I could of done better. But I try to remember that the best thing is to take care of myself. If I’m taking care of myself then I’m bringing that positivity into their lives as well. Even to those around me. Although it’s better said than done. Please try to make time for you.

Life, motherhood

Weekend Burn Outs: One Day at a Time

Sirua

I do admit I’m learning to not be a procrastinator since it’s stressful as the weekends approach. Each week the same dance happens where college term comes and I’m handing things in late and continue to put things in the back burner. Only to stress and rush to focus for hours til I’m burned out and on my wits end. During the week I work part time and have my boys. I worry about every little thing. What to cook, what to clean, where to start, doing the tasks asked of me along with much more. Lately I find myself stopping to take a breath. Worrying about the amount of stress I endure and experience.

Will this be forever? Maybe. But I want to find a way to endure while also finding peace. I’ve learned to take naps when I can. Attempt one to two tasks a day and keep a rhythm. This has so far been helpful. The stress although fairly high doesn’t not put me in a state of shutting down and full on panic anymore. I’ve questioned my mental health and slowly have returned to having moments of self care. These moments I get to love myself and be selfish for 5 minutes. The burn out lasts so long. Monday comes again with the linger of anxiety for the week. Relief of being able to accomplish some tasks. Grateful to have made it through a weekend.

I’m learning.

One day at a time. I’ll make it through. Motherhood isn’t easy but it’s special in its own way. A journey of never ending wonder and surprises. Always learning and permanently tired.

Life, motherhood

Growing from One to Two Earthside

Sirua

It’s difficult when you’ve experienced loss of pregnancy. Every pregnancy after you’re stuck in a limbo of what ifs and worry for any news that’ll shake your wold. Every appointment you wonder if the doctors will tell you something a parent never wants to hear. It takes away some but not all of those little joys of being pregnant. The excitement of an ultrasound replaced by anxiety right before. It feels like you’re holding your breath and waiting until they’re in your arms. Even after a successful pregnancy. I still had those nerves being pregnant a fourth time.

Time went by quicker this time. I almost didn’t want the day to come from how unready I felt. Then I remembered that nothing prepares you 100 percent for motherhood. Whether it be the first time you’re becoming a mother or anytime after that. A toddler and a newborn? It was going to be surreal.

Now, that we have our second earth-side son here. I forget how small newborns are. How cuddly they can be all curled up in your chest and you don’t want to move cause you want the moment to last forever. To be their safe place a little while longer before they cry for a feeding or a change. I wasn’t sure how I would feel after having our first earth-side son for over 2 years. I was worried that I would feel too overwhelmed and have mixed emotions. It’s amazing what emotions will do. I honestly felt myself grow. Your heart and soul expands. It’s as if the world around you becomes bigger with love to welcome another child into your life. The pieces fall into place and soon it’s almost as if they were meant to be.

As of now I’m 2 weeks postpartum and to be honest this time around feels a bit easier with the jitters. I know as the weeks go by there will be easy days as there will be difficult days. Especially, once my husband returns to work from family leave. For now I want to soak up these moments while I heal. I’ll share my labor story and raw postpartum with time. I still have days where it feels surreal that I have two kids with me now. Somehow it feels so right and almost impossible based on what we went through. But, I think it was meant to be.

Life

To the Parent Working from Home…I Know.

Sirua

This hasn’t been the easiest. I don’t know if it will get easier. A new day doesn’t necessarily mean an easier day. There’s so many things going on. Meetings. Schedules. Tension. Low morale. Kid (or kids) crying and fighting. They’re bored or tired of being inside. But, the thought of going outside make your stomach tense with nervousness. How do you keep them entertain them while giving your best to your job? How do you give 100 percent to our kids without our work performance suffering? People telling us we should be grateful and blessed to still work while others are at a loss without a job. We are! I’m truly grateful for both regardless. Being home to earn my income while I get to watch my son. He’s a toddler. His world hasn’t stopped the way it has for me and for my husband. Some of the young kids don’t see it as their life being worse. They see it as time with us.

Even if you’re not working from home. You’ve been thrown for a whirlwind. Struggling to do something as simple as groceries. Lines. Social distancing. Lack of essential items. While hoping you don’t bring this virus home to our loved ones. All the while, figuring out this new way of “home-schooling”. Some of our spouses are essential workers. We are sometimes ALONE all day. Or work is closed and you’re worried about making ends meet. Anxiously, waiting for updates while yelling for everyone to wash their hands.

So many times I’ve taken a deep breath. Held my toddler while he cried whether it be about teething pains or because I told him he cannot climb the coffee table for the 27th time in the past hour. Meanwhile, I can hear one of my cats meowing because I closed the door to my room and didn’t realize they were there…again. Is that my stomach growling? Skipped lunch again since I didn’t realize the time. Once my son is asleep, my eyes are heavy. Energy depleted. I’m emotionally drained and I sink into my chair. There’s work to be done and I’ve neglected chores around the house. The silence although it can be bliss it also leaves me to my thoughts.

So if you’re working from home or not and struggling. I know. I see you. You’re not alone. We can do this. There will be good days. There will be tough days. Tears. Laughter. And some guilt because you’ve yelled more than you’re used to. You got this. I know it!

Hello everyone. It’s been a while. Life took a turn and crashed hasn’t it? I thought transitioning to a working mother was hard enough. Boy, was I wrong! I’m now learning to balance all that and more from home. My only get away being at night once I’m drained with the animal crossing jingle playing. Stay safe and stay home everyone. Things here in NYC are looking more than just rough right now. I feel for all those families who have lost a loved one due to this virus.

Much love and enjoy this succulent photo-Sori

Life

Transitioning from a Stay at Home Mom to a Working Mom

Sirua

I was nervous for my first day. Wondering how I would be. I was a mother that had been through more than I should have in the almost 4 years I hadn’t worked. Every time I thought I could go back. I couldn’t.

How could I? After everything. I thought I was forever meant to be at home. That I wasn’t fit to work again after all as I walked in with what I was sure the anxiety written all over my face and smile.

Would they like me?

Can I do this?

Will I mess up and they’ll not want me there anymore?

I asked myself all this the whole time I was in training.

But I made it through. I took a deep breath and did my best to absorb everything I was being told. Asked questions when necessary. Time flew by and I eased into the routine. By the 4th day I felt comfortable enough to do the morning routine alone.

My son was with my mother who I trusted 100 percent. I’m so glad that we have her to help us with him considering how much my son loves her. Husband supported my decision to return to work and helps me in the morning preparing our son. I’m amazed at how much love and support I’ve had through this. I miss my son. I miss being home with him, the cats and succulents. But I know work would be good for me. I hope to truly to continue loving where I am and discover who I’m becoming as I start a new chapter in my life.

Life, Shedding my Weight, weight loss

Weight loss and Hormones

Sirua

Getting on that scale every Friday is intimidating. I look forward to it to see what’s working and what’s not. I don’t because I’m afraid to fail. As a woman of course every month I go through a week of having my menstrual (yes, my period) and the cravings used to be for Oreos. Not that I would deny having an Oreo milkshake even now. However, it’s usually much less likely for me to deny any while dealing cramps.

Luckily, I’ve been able to curb the cravings so far. I don’t deny myself the sweets. I only taste and move on for the most part. Besides, the protein shakes and afternoon walks really do curb the cravings as much as it can. I’m proud to say that although before my vacation I lost 3 pounds and gained 4. I was able to lost 7 lbs since coming back September 12. It’s been a month and 7 lbs is progress. Although I’m sure I can lose more. I’ll continue to do so. I’ll take as much as I can get at this point. Even if it’s 1lb a week. I’ll share more as I go. For now it’s only protein in the morning. Less carbs. More water. Combined with intermittent fasting. Hopefully I’ll continue losing every week!

Grief, Life, motherhood

Three without You

Sirua

Happy birthday my Rosebud. It’s been three years.

Three years I’ll never get with you,

-even I find it hard to believe it’s true.

Three years I’ve dealt with this grief,

-still in on our minds even if it’s brief.

Three years that still haunt me today,

-some days I still ask myself if I’m okay.

Three years here without you here,

-Yet, our love for you never disappeared.

For those that don’t know. I was suppose to have a daughter January 2017. But life has other plans and she was born August 2016. Every year I write a poem. We eat out and silently celebrate her. As I reminisce in my pregnancy with her. She was my first. The one that gave me all those first feelings. Doubts. Dreams. All that I can ever hope for in the 4 months that I carried her. If you’ve been through this I’m so sorry. Life heals. Life gets better. You never forget, you just find a new way to live.

Life

Bittersweet Memories

Sirua

Oh August how wonderful and bittersweet you are. It’s the last month before fall which is my favorite time of year. It’s the weird in between month where it would be the last month before school started. The month before the season would change. You felt the breeze become cooler. The energy of the city would take a different turn as businesses and families prepared for the upcoming school days, the cold and of course the holidays. I would swell in excitement and skittish vibes. What would the year bring? Always hoping it would be better than last year. Growing up my perspective was different. It was hopeful and at times a bit lonely growing up. Then things changed….

August 2016 changed for me after I lost my daughter. I go back to that whole month savoring and reminiscing in the last good memories I had being pregnant with her. Finding out we were having a girl. Playing Pokémon Go to get in my walks for the day. We were looking forward to everything with her. Being pregnant in the winter sounded perfect to me. She would of been born close to my birthday. Losing her changed August for me. I might not smile the same but I feel the breeze for her sake. I enjoy the change of seasons because she didn’t. I will include her and her brother I lost after in May 2017 during holidays. I’ll hold their brother who’s running around right now tighter. These bittersweet sweet memories I’ll always hold near me. August will always bring it back to me and for that I thank you.

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live. -Norman Cousins

Life

Being Their Voice

Sirua

Before ever becoming a mother. The thought brought an anxiety that was so overwhelming I didn’t think I would have any children. How can I take care of this little person that’s my own? Was I capable of being a good mother? Show them that the world is both beautiful yet so cruel. All these thoughts still haunt me. Little less than before they’re replaced with other things now but they’re still there some days.

I also realized throughout life and now having my son. How careful we as parents need to be when we speak to them as they’re growing. It’s easy for them to absorb everything. Children are truly sponges to those around them. We parents are legitimately their first interaction with the world. It comes to no surprise that even to this day I can still hear my parents voices for a lot of the decisions I make in life. It’s something I find humorous most days. When I went to get my first tattoo I could already feel the disappointment of my parents and hear them saying how I probably ruined my body by getting it. Mind you, I was 22 almost 23 and didn’t really mind their disapproval at this point. I’m usually confident in most of my decisions and what I do with my body now that I’m older. Yet, even still I hear them in my head before doing anything. It’s becoming more faint as the years go by and it made me realize that the strongest voices in our children is mostly ours. Their self esteem, confidence, fears and overall sense of self mostly comes from being around us. I hope that I can be better and give my son more positive thoughts than negative ones. That he won’t feel the need to hide things from me. After all, we have free will. Regardless what we tell them. They can choose to rebel against it or listen. They’re always listening. They’re always watching. Strive to be better cause perfection does not exist.

This has always been a fear of mine with having kids. I hope one day if they ever do hear my voice or their dad’s voice. It’s help guide them through life decisions and if it’s small things that they’ll laugh like I did. All in good time I suppose.

Uncategorized

“Self Love”

Sirua

Something a lot of us as mothers forget to do. We forget to love ourselves and take care of our needs. Even if it’s something small.

I recently started practicing self love. I started taking care of my skin, my hair, I’ve been finding time to read books (on my kindle) and catching up on the shows I never quite finished. Sipping on warm coffee before my son wakes up whether it be in the morning or his afternoon nap. These small moments recharge my emotions and sanity. Not because my son is difficult to handle or I didn’t expect this. Not at all. He’s the center of my world and I adore him with everything in me. I’m just being me. I’m not just mommy. Or just wife. I’m also Sori. Ans like anyone else I too deserve to have a moment to myself so I can face the day with the confidence I know I have. Somewhere.

So take those 10 min to yourself mama. Take a deep breath. You’re doing great. Your child is loved. Fed. Safe. And has you. We don’t need to be perfect for them. We just need to be the best person we can be for them and being happy with ourselves is part of that.