motherhood – Page 3 – Sirua's Serenity

Can this be summed in enough words? Motherhood. It’s wonderful yet scary. There are moments I couldn’t think straight and other times things were clear as day for me. Where pumping was frustrating to the point I wanted to quit for my sanity. Yet, the satisfaction of breastfeeding even if it meant through a bottle kept me going for a year. Moments where I could barely keep myself up straight cause the night before he was cutting a tooth that we excitedly wanted to see. Being a mother means that you start being needed 24/7 while inputting whatever time there to take care and love yourself because a happy momma is a happy baby. Right…?

I didn’t really grow up around newborns. I was never the first to reach out to other peoples children when babies were brought around in family functions. Neither would I offer myself to babysit. I was full on hoping somehow maternal instinct would magically kick in and teach me all of that. Oh boy did it! It’s like a switch goes off and not only does your mind and soul respond but so do your new milk making machines attached to your chest. I would get this tingle and slight pain the moment he would cry and out came the liquid gold. Once he was attached, some days it was painful to the point of tears. While others I could stare in awe of how amazing a mother’s body can be to produce such greatness for them. Not unless you don’t mind the waterfall of blood that seeps through a new pad you put on not too long ago and your uterus cramping away to oblivion. I laugh now when I think about it. How much of a mess I must of been through all this. A mess of hormones I might add cause through it all I would smile through the tears.

I did my best to push away my doubts. Took a deep breath and kept telling myself tomorrow will be a better day. Motherhood is majestic in its own way. It challenges you in ways you’d never expect. You discover so much about yourself, your life, and your loved ones. I’m grateful for the father my son has. The bond we share. I’m content. So how does it feel to be a mother? Ask me again after I drink this cold cup of coffee maybe I’ll have a different answer 💗

I get asked this a lot when I’m out with Alaric. It’s an innocent question. Most would answer it easily with a yes or no. And probably reminisce in baby stories and how is it being either a first time parent or parent to multiples. But it’s a question that sends me spiraling sometimes. Should I lie and say yes? Or should I say no and avoid the questions that come buzzing after. Sadly with my guilt swelling up in my throat. I say yes. Yes he’s my first child. As my stomach churns, my heart sinks and I start feeling almost everything stiffen. How could I say that?

I’m a mother of 3. But, there’s 2 that everyone can’t see. They’re invisible to everyone else except me. Even if those around me forget. I’ll always remember them.

I’m a grieving mother who’s been pregnant 3 times and was blessed to be able to raise one beautiful boy for it. I admit he has healed me more than I thought he would. At first I cried a lot. Whether it be because I was so happy that he was home in my arms. Or cause I was so sad that his sister and brother weren’t with us. Everything was bundled into this whirlwind of postpartum hormones and being a tired first time parent to a child who’s cries and sound of his soft breathing would make my heart swell.

I’m working on not feeling so guilty when people ask. It’s not their fault. I’ve changed my answer to yes he’s my first. While remembering that he was the beginning to many different firsts. The first I get to watch grow up. The first to call me mama. I will still get all those firsts. While still grieving for the ones that didn’t.

If you made it this far. Thank you for reading. If you’re new then hello I’m Sori. In this blog I share my pregnancy loss. In 2016 I found out I was having a girl and in 2017 a boy. Both which couldn’t come home with me. Finally in 2018 my son Alaric was born and I’ve been healing since then along with my husband. We have been so blessed to be able to watch our beautiful boy grow and flourish. Thanks again for reading.

Share this:

Share this: